Exposed! Tucker Carlsons secret addiction, Meghan Markles secret sister, and Royal Family secrets, in this weeks fact-challenged tabloids
What are we to make of the National Enquirer front page headline: Meghans Drug Secret Exposed!You could be forgiven for assuming that the newlywed Duchess of Sussex, Meghan Markle, has been caught with a needle in her arm and a crack pipe in her Chanel purse.Not quite.Meghans father, Thomas Markle Sr., is reportedly friends with a female neighbor who allegedly has smoked crystal meth on occasion. What has that to do with Meghan Markle? The Enquirer has decided that Thomas Markles concern for his friend is so great, she is like Meghans secret sister.Though Meghan has never met her sister and most likely never heard of her, the Enquirer cover touts this story under the explosive headline: Bombshell about sister shes hiding from Harry.Even further removed from reality is a second Enquirer' story about Megans father: Exiled Dad Living With Drag Queen! This story claims that a male neighbor of Markles is a cross-dresser who wants to transition to become a woman. After almost two years of near-constant paparazzi pursuit of Thomas Markle, this drag queen - as if thats somehow the same as cross-dressing or wanting to transition - has been photographed with him precisely once. But thats enough for the Enquirer to report that the couple spend so much time together under the same roof, they are as good as living together. No, theyre not.Elizabeth Smart Saves Hollywood Star From Evil Cult! screams another fact-challenged Enquirer cover headline. Elizabeth Smart, you may recall, was kidnapped at 14 and held captive for nine months by a deranged Utah couple. Evidently she wrote an email to former Dynasty actress Catherine Oxenbergs daughter India, who until recently was in the grips of the controversial Nxivm cult. The Enquirer reports that Smart asked India if she needed support. India never responded. That certainly sounds to me like saving a Hollywood star from an evil cult, if by "Hollywood star they mean an actresss unknown daughter, and if by saving they mean sending an email thats ignored.Dying Cher Miracle Cure! screams the cover of this weeks Globe magazine, which after years of reporting that the actress-singer is on the verge of death, has finally decided that her obstinate survival counts as a miracle. Admittedly, it must be hard to keep writing about Chers sad last days (Enquirer, June 2017) or about Cher being given three months to live (Enquirer, December 2014) when the world can see her cavorting energetically onscreen in the new Mama Mia movie musical sequel. Brad & Jen Together Again! is the Globe headline reuniting Pitt and Aniston 12 years after their divorce - and now they are talking about getting hitched to each other again. No. Not happening.This is a tabloid fever-dream, one from which they refuse to awake.Fox TV anchor Tucker Carlsons addictions are also exposed by the Globe, which reports: TV Tucker Has Monkey On His Back! Given tabloid logic and guilt-by-association, the headline could just as easily have read: Rupert Murdochs Secret Drug Hell Exposed! Perhaps we should be thankful for small mercies. And what is Carlsons vice? Heroin? Cocaine? Uppers? Downers? The truth is far, far darker.Fox anchor addicted to nicotine gum, reveals the Globe.Oh, the shame.Us magazine devotes its cover to Britney Spears a decade after her mental breakdown, revealing: How Real Love Saved Britney. Thanks for her ten-year recovery is somehow laid at the feet of her boyfriend of just two years, Sam Asghari, the Iranian model 12 years her junior. He accepts her for who she is, which has been a struggle for Britney in the past, reports Us. It seems the magazine wants to credit Britneys comeback to a man who hasnt tried to change her in any way. Her success is all thanks to love, raves the mag, overdosing on romantic fantasies. But why credit Britney with her own success, when Us can attribute her career revival and happiness to the love a a good man? Nothing sexist in that, is there?Meanwhile People magazine gives up its cover to The Royal Woman of Windsor - Their Lives, Loves & Secrets.As if the worlds most scrutinized women could possibly have any secrets left. What insights does People offer? Meghan Markles secrets are suitably shocking: Her childhood nickname was Flower," she was born poised, and shes smart, shes glamorous. Wow. Thats a revelation. Will the Royal Family ever recover?Fortunately we have the crack investigative squad at Us mag to tell us that Karrueche Tran wore it best, that Cynthia Nixon is a natural blonde, that Amanda Bynes keeps Mentos, Kind bars and a hairbrush in her Maison Goyard tote, and that the stars are just like us: they shop, carry luggage, eat snacks and take mass transit (at least in New York they do - good luck finding any celebrity on a Los Angeles bus or train.)Most squirm-inducing headline of the week goes to the National Examiner story about a nine-year-old quadruple amputee given new custom-fitted running blades: Legless Boys Off and Running!Onwards and downwards . . . Original Link: http://feeds.boingboing.net/~r/boingboing/iBag/~3/0cqeHmimLuw/exposed-tucker-carlsons-se.html
