Trump hiding DC sex scandals, Bill & Hillarys $350m divorce, and you can fly, in this weeks tabloids

Donald Trump deliberately hides the sex scandals and indiscretions of Washington, D.C. lawmakers, keeping the shameful information as potential blackmail material, reveals the National Enquirer this week.The president has amassed Nixon-style dirt files containing damaging information on roguish elected officials, top military officials, top military officers and high-level bureaucrats, claims the report.Trumps little black book is filled with the dirty sex secrets of top politicos and hes not afraid to use it.

Its an extraordinarily damning report from the Enquirer, which has been one of Trumps staunchest supporters, fed inside information from the White House, and whose reporting has been lavishly praised by Trump.

Of course, they dont openly call him a blackmailer who is immorally keeping sex scandals secret to manipulate powerful lawmakers, though thats clearly what the story suggests. Rather, the Enquirer seems to be praising Trump for having power over sleazy politicians. Sure sounds like hes protecting scumbags with a view to blackmail, however.

Pregnant Princess Kate takes off her ring in war with William, reports the Globe, claiming that the British royal is battling her husband over potential kidnap threats to their children. Why else would a pregnant woman take off her engagement ring? With all the rent-a-quote doctors, psychologists, private eyes and voice-stress analysts at their disposal, could the Globe not find a physician to explain that a pregnant womans hands can swell and she may need to remove rings when they feel too tight?

No such problems for this weeks thin brigade, those unfortunates targeted by the Enquirer Guess Your Weight team who this week attack 93 lb skeletal Sharknado star Tara Reid, allegedly so thin she is "facing jaws of death" (Sharknado! Jaws! Geddit?!) and walking skeleton singer Faith Hill at a shocking 99 lbs. These women are almost as thin as the reporting on these stories.

Hillary Clinton demands $350 million divorce as new sex assault scandal rocks Bill, reports the Globe. What? One more sex harassment accuser is going to push Hillary over the edge, after Monicagate, impeachment, and a string of sex assault and harassment allegations against her husband? Wishful thinking.

Us magazine devotes its cover to Anna Nicole Smiths 11-year-old daughter opening up about My Life Without Mommy, which seems unnecessarily intrusive, mawkish and unedifying. Dannielynn was five months old when her mother died of a drug overdose, so its not as if she has much in the way of memories of Anna Nicole. Dannielynn may be a child model and tabloid darling, but the fact that she struggles to wake up in the mornings, wants to become a dolphin trainer (because who doesnt love a wild animal trapped in a tiny aquarium?) and has puppies named Chewie and Pop Tart, hardly seems revelatory.

Us gives four pages to the impending Royal Wedding of Prince Harry and American actress Meghan Markle, predicting that the Queen will want the nuptials at Westminster Abbey (theyll be at Windsor Castle). People magazine gives its cover and six pages inside to Harrys American Princess, rehashing old stories as if theyre new again.

At least its better than the National Examiner, whose cover declares: Queen Forbids Harrys Wedding! Oh the joys of early deadlines overtaken by reality.

Fortunately we have the crack investigative team at Us mag to tell us that Angelina Jolie wore it best, Mandy Moore is a fan of sour candy, that Ashley Johnson fills her Patagonia backpack with a Nintendo Switch, retro headphones and pumpkin-shaped Reeses Peanut Butter cups, and that the stars are just like us: they eat pizza, snap photos, and sit on Santas lap. Hang on a second . . . why is Derek Hough sitting on the knee of a fat bearded guy in a red velvet suit? Definitely not just like us.

The Examiner reports that levitation is real, citing scientists studying the phenomenon of sleep floating, in which people wake from dreams to find themselves in mid-air above their beds. Should we be concerned that there is no discernible trace of the top neurologist claimed to be investigating these incidents in his British laboratory, nor any obvious trace of levitators they name in Georgia and New Jersey? Its probably all part of a massive government cover-up thats all noted in Donald Trumps little black book. Of course not. You can bet that the president is levitating near the ceiling of the Lincoln bedroom at this very moment.

Onwards and downwards . . .