Do dolphins really like chilled pickle-eating celebrities? This weeks tabloid stunners.

Now that all that election nonsense is behind us, lets get back to what really matters in the world: Prince Charles has seized the British throne in a palace coup, Michael Jackson is having his first grandchild, Tom Cruise has a "$1 billion Doomsday bunker, and U.S. Special Forces have killed a 15-ft tall red-haired giant in Afghanistan.

Its business as usual in this weeks factually-challenged tabloids, getting back to the truly important world issues: the love lives of the stars. As the nation draws together in a spirit of post-electoral reconciliation, so the tabloids are hoping that shattered celebrity couples will reunite: The National Enquirer claims that Gwyneth Paltrow wants to get back with rocker ex Chris Martin, and also that Drew Barrymore pleads with her ex to come back. Love is clearly in the air, as the Enquirer reports that Madonnas son Rocco is picking a new mate for his material mother, Prince Harry wants to show American actress girlfriend Meghan Markle his mothers grave because it is his most cherished place on Earth (and what girl can resist a romantic trip to a cemetery?) and singer Mariah Carey is recovering after being dumped by fianc James Packer by partying all over town with a new boy toy - though at 33 years old, dancer Bryan Tanaka may not take kindly to such a characterization.

And lets remember: The Enquirer was one of the most vocal supporters of Donald Trump, so if they got that right then maybe the rest of their stories arent the vacuous drivel they at first appear.

Has Prince Charles seized the throne, as the Globe proclaims on its cover? If you missed the TV images of tanks rolling into Buckingham Palace and armed guards storming Windsor Castle, thats because it never happened. Elizabeth is still Queen of the (unraveling and discordant yet still allegedly) United Kingdom. Amusingly, the Globe reports that Charles has usurped his son in the race for the throne, claiming Will & Kate stripped of power. But for months the Globe has been the only publication worldwide which has failed to understand that Charles is the Queens heir and will inherit the crown, and he needs no palace coup to remain as next in line for the monarchy. Queen to be exiled, adds the Globe for good measure, suggesting that she is virtually under lock and key at Balmoral Castle in Scotland. While the Queen loves to holiday at Balmoral each summer, dont expect her to endure a Scottish winter there - which means we can expect future Globe headlines about the Queen overthrowing Prince Charles and escaping her gilded cage. Who writes this stuff?Is Michael Jackson having his first grandchild, eight years after his death? And whos the proud parent: 19-year-old Prince? Paris, aged 18? Maybe 14-year-old Blanket? None of the above. The father is allegedly Brandon Howard, who claims to have DNA proof that he is the gloved ones son. An unidentified pregnant woman claims that she is carrying Brandons child - though she still needs to undergo DNA testing to prove Brandon's paternity. Pending DNA testing, this story is the very definition of half-baked."

Not that the tabloids have forgotten politics in this crucial week. Hillarys brain is about to EXPLODE! yells the Globe, reporting that shocking scans reveal that her skull contains a ticking time bomb that could kill her at any moment. Has the Globe team of highly trained medical reporters carefully scrutinized Hillarys brain scans? Of course not. But they did show a doctor the brain scans of another patient stricken with the same damage Hillary suffered after plunging down a flight of stairs and suffering a serious concussion in 2012. Because thats how the best doctors deliver a prognosis: by looking at the results of other patients tests. Hillary Clinton and aide Huma Abedin are Going To Jail! screams the Enquirer cover, which proudly reports on Vladimir Putins spy files - which must surely be accurate and undoctored - allegedly showing evidence of a cover-up, and raising questions about Clintons health. Expect more Russian revelations in coming months as the Trump-loving National Enquirer changes its name to the National Pravda.

Has Tom Cruise built a $1 billion doomsday bunker, as the Enquirer reports? Well, the alleged bunker (if it exists) is actually owned by the Church of Scientology, and Cruise has reportedly given the cult $10 million - not exactly $1 billion - in donations, claims the mag. As proof of the supposed bunkers existence, the Enquirer publishes a photo of a small group of houses in the New Mexico desert. Huh? The Enquirer explains: . . . the vault is masked by houses designed to appear like a suburban neighborhood. Great disguise. The giant nuclear fallout shelter looks just like suburban sprawl. Its such a convincing cover, the story must be true.

As must the National Examiner story about the red-haired giant slain by Special Forces in Afghanistan, after reportedly killing a soldier. This allegedly occurred in 2002, when the 1,100-pound dead creature was flown to a U.S. base in Ohio. And there the mystery deepens, because the giant's death was apparently covered up, and there remains no official record of it ever existing. Thank goodness we have the Examiner to preserve the historical record.

'Us' magazine brings us the real-life horror of Kim Kardashians days living in fear following her recent Paris robbery, revealing her daily therapy, intense security, and the horror of a life in "social media silence. Kim even evaded the paparazzi and entered her sister Kendall Jenners 21st birthday party by a side door. Oh, the humanity.

Fortunately we have Us magazines crack investigative team to inform us that Hillary Duff wore it best, actress Italia Ricci carries dill-pickle sunflower seeds, cheap plastic reading glasses and pens stolen from hotels in her Louis Vuitton purse, and that the stars are just like us: they walk their dogs, buy ice, eat pickles and swim with dolphins. Wait, what? Do dolphins really like chilled pickle-eating celebrities? Enquiring minds want to know.

Onwards and downwards . . .