Secrets the Queen took to her grave, in this week's dubious tabloids

'National Enquirer'

"Charles Exiles Sex Creep Andrew!" screams the cover story. "Banished to Bahamas with dead queen's dogs! Cut off from royal cash & forced to live on pension! Ingrates Harry & Meghan are next on the hit list!"

The 'Enquirer' claims that "Andrew will leave Britain when the official period of mourning ends – penniless, stripped of all rank and only taking his mother's corgi dogs, according to palace spies." — Read the rest