The Queen dying, Brad Pitts bigamy, and official approval for hand jobs, in this weeks dubious tabloids

Like a dog chasing a stick thrown a great distance by a trebuchet, this weeks tabloid stories are far-fetched.

Did the Queen catch her left hand in a closing door? Not if you believe this weeks National Enquirer, which interprets her purple paw as a diagnosis of leukemia, prompting its world exclusive cover story: Queen, 92, Dying. Predictably, the secret diagnosis has Charles and William competing for the crown, reports the Enquirer, which views the Royal succession like a reality TV show competition, in which whoever wins the immunity challenge gets to be King. Youd think by now that someone would have told the Royals that The Act of Settlement of 1701 mandates the monarchs next in line as heir, regardless of who gets voted out by the palace tribe.

Equally beggaring belief is the Globe cover story about former husband and wife duo Aniston and Pitt, under the headline: Jen & Brad Elope! When they reunited briefly and awkwardly at Jennifer Anistons 50th birthday party last month, the Globe reports: They knew it was destiny and they belonged together. Because how else do you explain them both turning up at the same party she invited him to, if not destiny? So when Jen jetted to Mexico recently with friends (because why elope alone?) she sneaked away to tie the knot with Pitt in a secret ceremony. But wait Brad's divorce from Angelina Jolie has not been finalized yet, so that would make him a bigamist if the story is true. Read the rest