Royal wedding bombshell, the CIAs Trump assassination plot, and the stars really are like us, in this weeks dubious tabloids

There are lies, damn lies, and tabloid exclusives.

FOUND! screams the cover of this weeks National Enquirer, claiming a bombshell scoop about Prince Harrys bride-to-be, American actress Meghan Markle.

Man-Eater Meghans Secret First Hubby! the front page raves. The hush-hush annulment! How she hid past from husband No.2! Poor Harry will be Husband No.3!

Theres nothing unequivocal about these headlines, nothing suggesting the least bit of doubt, especially with the heavily pixilated photo of the newly discovered ex-husband, with the promise: His story inside! You have to plough through almost two pages of hyper-ventilating excitement before you reach the tell-tale sentence near the articles end: . . . if the explosive claim of Meghans hidden husband is proved to be true . . . Wait, what?

The Enquirer claims to have found Markles previously unknown first husband, and then admits the story might not be true? So what does Markles supposed ex-husband say? When approached for comment at his home on the East Coast, he became agitated at the prospect of being exposed. Just the reaction youd expect from someone who has never met Markle and wonders why hes been ambushed by a tabloid reporter.

He later denied the relationship. Well, he would, wouldnt he?

The Enquirer has never shied away from identifying subjects in tabloid scandals, and would not hesitate to publish a photograph of the alleged ex-husband if he existed. Everything in this story points to the Enquirer taking a random internet rumor and running with it, and using a barely-plausible subject's denial as evidence of the ex-husbands existence.

A Kensington Palace spokesman allegedly told the Enquirer that the story was a fabrication, which seems an understatement. If theres any truth to this story, the Enquirer hasnt found it. But thats standard operating procedure for the tabloids, as seen in this week's Enquirer exclusive about Austin Powers actor Verne Troyer: Mini-Me Was Murdered!" He was allegedly Force-Fed killer dose of booze. Where does this revelation come from? A rent-a-quote former cop says: This should be looked at very carefully, if only because drug or alcohol abuse has been used in the past to cover up murders. That sounds like incontrovertible evidence to me.

The Enquirer does it again with its story: Bobby Kennedy Was Not A Kennedy! claiming that RFK was the product of his mothers extra-marital affair. The evidence? A private investigator examined photographs of Robert Kennedy and his father at the same age, and concluded: I cannot say with any certainty Bobby Kennedy is, in fact, a Kennedy! Wow. And thats what passes as proof that RFK was illegitimate. Why dont they teach this stuff at journalism school?

What about actor Val Kilmer, given three months to live by the Enquirer . . . three years ago. Hes still alive today, so how does the rag explain it? Val Kilmer cancer miracle! is the headline. Right.

The Globe gets in on the act with its cover story touting its Special Investigation above the headline: The Fight to Save President Trump! which reports on the Deep State conspiracy to destroy The Donald. What does this special investigation entail? Apparently little more than cracking open the book Killing the Deep State: The Fight to Save President Trump, by controversial author Jerome R Corsi. Lifted wholesale from the book, its a paranoid imagining of the unelected shadow government including Robert Mueller, James Comey, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton, that will stop at nothing to end his presidency. And if the Deep State fails to remove Trump from the Oval Office by legal means, there is a CIA plan to assassinate Trump, claims the report. Makes perfect sense. If its in the Globe, it must be true.

The one tabloid story that rings true this week is the Globe quoting the presidents first ex-wife, Ivana Trump, suggesting that the president not seek a second term. Donald is going to be 74 for the next election and maybe he should just go and play golf and enjoy his fortune, says Ivana, who was once a paid-up columnist for the Globe.

Us magazine devotes its cover to country music star Miranda Lambert telling Her Side of the Story amid accusations that she broke up her boyfriends marriage and is a serial home-wrecker. Only one tiny problem with this: Lambert doesnt talk to Us mag. Not a word. An unnamed friend claims: Miranda didnt steal [new lover] Evan [Felker] from his wife. Well thats convincing.

People gives its cover over to The Fixer Upper stars Chad and Joanna Gaines revealing: We cant wait for Baby No.5. Let me be honest: I didnt care about your first baby, let alone babies two-through-four, so I certainly dont care that youre going through this routine for a fifth time. Good luck to the happy couple, but seriously People magazine is this the best youve got this week? Evidently.

Fortunately we have the crack investigative squad at Us mag to tell us that Kerry Washington wore it best, that flexible Priyanka Chopra can twist myself into a pretzel, that actress Hannah Simone carries earrings, headbands and a bunch of tiny stuffed mice for her cat to toy with in her Madewell tote, and that the stars are just like us: they get a haircut, grab a pizza, and go bowling.

Following last weeks pictorial montage of celebrities picking up after their defecating dogs, this week Us gives us a two-page spread of stars including Jane Fonda, Jennifer Lawrence, Pink, Halsey, Rita Ora, Future and Jaden Smith flipping the bird to paparazzi. Its the most honest, appropriate response to hounding photographers, and if Us was honest they could fill an eight-page pull-out with identical photos every week, proving that sometimes the stars really are like us.

Onwards and downwards . . .