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April 11, 2018 10:07 pm PDT

Prince Charles four love children, the Clintons corruption, and who needs Brad Pitt anyway, in this weeks dubious tabloids

Why bother breaking fresh news when you can refurbish old stories and pass them off as new?

Claiming to expose a Chappaquiddick autopsy cover-up, the National Enquirer cover screams: Teds Lover Mary Jo Was Pregnant. Its a myth as old as the tragedy 49 years ago, and the Enquirer presents no evidence that Mary Jo Kopechne was even Ted Kennedys lover, let alone that she was pregnant. Furthermore, her coroner found no signs of a pregnancy, and there was no autopsy at the request of her parents.

The Enquirer goes even further into the realm of fantasy, however, suggesting that Kennedy deliberately drove off bridge to save run for the Presidency. Because it makes perfect sense for a man who can afford a hit-man and who had aides skilled at dirty tricks to risk his own life driving his car off a bridge.

Not quite as antique, the Enquirer goes back to 1992 to break the news that Pilot John Travolta cheats death in midair crisis. Its billed as an Enquirer World Exclusive, which might amuse the Orlando Sentinel in Florida, which first broke this story in 1995. Kudos to the Enquirer for finally telling the story, under the glorious banner: FIRST TO KNOW.

The Globe joins in the tabloid stroll down memory lane with its cover story about the heir to Britains throne: Found! Charles 4 Secret Love Children! The story, billed as the result of a special two-year investigation, lists four alleged illegitimate children of Prince Charles two of whom are well known though highly questionable claimants; the other two are apparently new, but their allegations are exceedingly difficult to confirm. One alleged son supposedly asked the Globe to conceal his true name, though the article includes what purports to be his photograph; the other alleged daughter is identified as a British aristocrats grand-daughter whose supposed photo also appears, yet her mother mysteriously goes unnamed. For a two-year-investigation there are gaping holes wide enough to drive a coach and horses through. The youngest of these love children is 33 years old, which passes for fresh news in the tabloids.

It seems the Trump-loving tabloids cant let go of their enmity for Bill and Hillary Clinton, and this weeks Globe runs two pages under the headline: Crooked Clintons Treason Exposed! According to the rags cover, Crooked Clintons Took Russian Cash! and helped Iran get the A-bomb. Well, thats one grammatically-challenged interpretation. More rational minds have concluded that the Clinton Foundation received money and that Bill Clinton was paid by Russians to give a speech, but evidence is lacking that the payments were made to encourage Hillary Clinton to push through approval of Russian atomic energy agency Rosatoms acquisition of Uranium One, which has mines in America. And its been clearly established that nine separate U.S. government agencies approved the Rosatom deal, which was of a nature usually handled by lower-level executives and aides than Hillary as Secretary of State. The Globe article is based on testimony given by former FBI informant William Douglas Campbell in November a story so explosive that it has taken the Globe five months before whisking it into this salacious story. Breaking news, indeed.

But this weeks tabloids bring us the usual non sequitur leaps of logic weve all come to love and expect: Liza Minnelli is reportedly suffering a bleeding ulcer, claims the Enquirer, which concludes that she must be facing her tragic final days!; Prince Harrys Royal bride-to-be Meghan Markles father was spotted reading a coffee-table book titled Images of Britain, leading the Enquirer to deduce that he may walk his daughter down the aisle because why else would you read a book about the UK? The Globe is outraged that Lisa Marie Presleys estranged husband walks on Elvis memory because he was spotted wearing a pair of blue suede shoes. She wont be happy to see Michael dredging up her dads 1956 hit Blue Suede Shoes that way, claims an insider, in what may be the most implausible quote from a tabloid source this week. Lisa Maries estranged husband had better hide his teddy bear, kennel his hound dog, drink his martinis stirred rather than all shook up, and shouldn't even think about having any mail returned to sender. You know how mad Lisa Marie can get.

Us magazine spills the inside scoop on Brad Pitts new girlfriend, MIT professor Neri Oxman, with an unidentified source a stalker? reporter? peeping Tom? claiming the actor has been spotted going into her apartment building on multiple occasions late at night and emerging the next morning after she leaves to teach. Pitt is reportedly drawn to her blazing intellect, design skills, and her extroverted, outgoing, vivacious and loving personality. But why Prof. Oxman might be drawn to a 54-year-old twice-divorced father-of-six going through a bitter divorce battle having struggled with booze and been investigated by Child Protective Services remains a question that Us doesnt think to ask. Its as if any intelligent, self-made woman would fall swooning at the feet of the aging film idol. Not that theres anything sexist or misogynistic about the magazine that weekly examines what actresses wear on the red carpet, declares who wore it best, invokes the Fashion Police to issue snarky comments when bad clothes happen to good people, and celebrates celebrity style as an end in itself. What female MIT professor could ask for more?

Fortunately we have the crack investigative team at Us to put us out of our misery and tell us that Olivia Munn wore it best, that actor Michael Vartan would like to marry pizza and pasta, that actress Shannon Purser keeps a Marauders Map and Hogwarts keychain in her Zac Posen bag, and that the stars are just like us: they pump gas, buy groceries, and go shopping just like they do every week in this earth-shattering expos of the private lives of the worlds most predictable people.

People devotes its cover to Mariah Careys long-overdue confession: My Battle With Bipolar Disorder, which will come as a surprise to nobody who watched her reality TV show Mariahs World.

Finally, I ask myself what demographic the National Examiner is appealing to when it offers readers stories this week on 7 Ways to Stop Arthritis Pain, What to X-Pect in an Arthiris X-Ray, You CAN Avoid Dementia, Burning Cancer Pain comes from food! and Why you need more Vitamin D! Add to that ads for a walk-in bathtub, medical alert monitoring, a computer designed especially for seniors, and a lift chair, and you can see that the Examiner has a great future ahead as it grows with its readership.

Onwards and downwards . . .


Original Link: http://feeds.boingboing.net/~r/boingboing/iBag/~3/1lmQ0O-A3BY/prince-charles-four-love-ch.html

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