Hitler found alive after WWII, and how Donald Trump is misunderstood, in this weeks tabloids

Did celebrities take last week off?

It seems that way, as so many of the stories in this weeks tabloids relate to events that happened years, even decades ago, though naturally they are presented as news complete with the mandatory exclamation points.

Tom Cruise self destructs over cancer diagnosis! would seem to be a shocking new story in the National Enquirer, but of course it isnt Tom who was diagnosed with cancer, but his father, who died . . . wait for it . . . 33 years ago. Tom was well aware of his fathers cancer, since he was at his dying dads bedside, so his fathers cancer diagnosis could hardly come as a shock, or news, to the actor.

Demi Moore "cheats death in cocaine overdose," screams the Enquirer headline. When did this supposedly happen? In 1985 32 years ago, barely a year after Tom Cruises fathers cancer diagnosis.

Continuing its streak of hot breaking news, the Enquirer reveals Sandra Bullocks cheating hunk hit her! When was she allegedly assaulted by a boyfriend? In high school - 35 years ago.

Globe joins in the fun with its story "Diana Ross put in mental ward!" This must seem like it happened only yesterday back in 2001, a mere 16 years ago. "Rabid Rambo disembowels reality queen! screams another Globe headline above a lurid true crime story that seems fresh by comparison this only occurred in 2015.

Is there nothing new happening in the tabloids? Of course there is, if you count slain Nicole Brown Simpsons ghost haunting O.J. Simpson, and the Mad Pooper In Deep Doo-Doo, referring to a phantom defecator outside a Colorado familys home, both courtesy of Globe.

The Enquirer tells us that Gwen Stefani is pregnant (because she appears to have a slightly bulging stomach in some photos) while the Globe cover story claims that Prince Charles wife Camilla is dying and has 8 months to live after being diagnosed with liver cancer a story that somehow eluded the entire Royal press corps in England, and which hasnt prompted a word of coverage in the U.K. It also mysteriously lacks the usually self-congratulatory Globe World Exclusive tag that such stories boast when the Editor at least thinks there may be a slim chance its accurate.

Whatever happened to former White House aide Dick Morris, whose regular Enquirer column of Trump sycophancy carries the promise: The most feared voice in politics? Hes penned a rant with the catchy title How to kill Obamacare without even asking Congress! But you wont find it in this weeks Enquirer, because they didnt have room for it. Must be all that decades-old news pushing his fine prose off the pages. Instead, you have to look for his feared voice online at the Enquirer website. Morris must be even more fearful online, Im sure.

Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at Us magazine to tell us that Hailey Baldwin wore it best, Scandal star Bellamy Young is a crazy good knitter, that The Blacklist actress Megan Boone carries foundation, highlighter and lip tint in her Maison Mayle purse, and that the stars are just like us: they do gardening, exercise, shop and carry too many bags (because when the paparazzi come around they send home their gardeners, personal trainers, personal shoppers and personal assistants.)

Us gives us the softest of softball interviews with First Daughter Ivanka Trump, this weeks cover girl revealing My Life at the White House but dont expect any revelations. Ivanka wont tell us if shes crazy good at knitting, or if she carries lip tint in her purse. Instead, we learn that she feels so blessed every day to be able to come in to work at the White House, though she avoids reading criticism because If I engaged too deeply, I wouldnt be able to prioritize the things I came here to do.

Ivanka also reveals the biggest misconception about her father, President Donald Trump: how empathetic he is doesnt always come through. Ya think?

People magazine devotes its cover to the Nightmare in Las Vegas Heartbreak & Heroes, which tells the stories of survivors, but cant help fetishizing human suffering, and makes each story sound like the journey of a contestant on American Idol.

Leave it to the National Examiner to bring us the oldest breaking news of the week: newly declassified CIA files allegedly offer evidence that Hitler was alive in Colombia after World War II in 1955. Thats only 62 years ago, which qualifies as breaking news in this weeks tabloids.

Onwards and downwards . . .