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September 6, 2017 03:16 pm PDT

Americas killer volcano, Angelina Jolies collapsing face, and Prince Charles murder confession, in this weeks tabs

Has Angelina Jolies face collapsed or is it preternaturally super-smooth? Have Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell split or are they living together? Does Hillary Clinton tell all in her new memoir, or reveal nothing?

Its an Alice Through the Looking Glass kind of week in the tabloids, where little is as it seems, and were all plunging down a rabbit hole where logic disappears.

Lets start with Angelina. The National Enquirer reports that Angies face collapses as the magazine learns" she is suffering from Bells palsy. Theyre discovering this rather late, however, since Jolie publicly announced her medical condition back in July, but perhaps the Enquirer has only now belatedly looked up Bells palsy in a medical dictionary.

In the mirror world of stable-mate the Globe, however, Jolie is on a botox binge making her face smooth, while a cosmetic surgeon comments on every aspect of her facial features without once mentioning its collapse. If a cosmetic surgeon cant spot a disfiguring case of Bells palsy, how bad can it really be?

Goldie Hawn & Kurt Russell Split! screams the Enquirer cover, repeating a story its told for months. But the report inside explains that the couple are actually still living in the same home - a new house they recently built and moved into. Thats an unusual split, to be sure.

And the tabloids cant agree on what Hillary Clinton reveals in her coming new memoir, What Happened. The Enquirer, having obtained an advance copy of her book, reports that Hillary believes that she was the best candidate for the presidency, that the email scandal was not her fault, and that FBI director James Comey stabbed her in the back. Nothing surprising there. But the Globe devotes its cover to Crooked Hillarys $25m Tell-All and expounds at length about whats not in the book: her alleged "suicidal collapse following her loss, boozing to numb the pain, her horndog hubby, and her supposed stint in rehab. The Enquirer says that Hillary also fails to write about her feelings for Donald Trump, claiming she secretly admires the business mogul and his incredible skills as a politician. Lewis Carroll would be impressed by such imaginative writing.

Prince Charles has finally confessed: I killed Diana, reports the National Examiner, evidently forced into this admission after a recent autopsy on the late princess. Except there has been no autopsy, no incriminating new evidence, and Prince Charles never confessed he murdered Princess Diana. Details, details.

Meanwhile the Enquirer writes that fatherhood is killing George Clooney (hes lost a few pounds, which qualifies him as a withered husk of his former self), and former Ally McBeal star Calista Flockhart has new surgically-enhanced chipmunk cheeks (she looks the same as ever, just caught in unflattering lighting), while the Globe reveals that the Queen survived a murder plot after police arrested a sword-wielding man outside Buckingham Palace, which doesnt amount to a plot so much as a quick way of getting yourself arrested.

Us magazine jumps down the rabbit hole with its cover story in which Melania Trump gives my side of the story and faces her critics. Except she doesnt. Us simply regurgitates bits of its interview with Melania from 2015, in a blatantly sycophantic attempt to curry favor and persuade Melania to sit down for a real interview in the future.

Aging pop queen Madonna dominates the cover of People magazine, discussing life with my kids, an enervating interview in which she reveals why she loves her brood, bans them from using cell phones, and hopes to save the nation of Malawi, a nation dedicated to producing children for Madonna to adopt. Elsewhere in the magazine an ad for the singers MDNA line of skincare features a photograph so heavily Photoshopped, airbrushed, retouched and digitally enhanced that youd be forgiven for believing that Madonna was a 15-year-old with flawless skin.

Fortunately we have the crack investigative team at Us to tell us that Jenna Dewan Tatum wore it best, model Tess Hollidays neighborhood ice-cream man knows her by her first name, chef and author Daphne Oz keeps sunglasses, lipstick and gum in her Louis Vuitton tote, and that the stars are just like us: they pump gas, shop at the drugstore, catch cabs and scoop dog poop. What glamorous lives they do lead.

As ever, its the Examiner that offers the most chilling headlines above a story that is alarmingly close to accurate: Americas Killer Volcano, focusing on Yellowstones super volcano, and NASAs plan to build a five-mile hole into the beast to help defuse its destructive power. Scientists scramble to relieve pressure and cool down lava bomb that could wipe out country, raves the Examiner, with a cheery coda: If there is a miscalculation and the drillers strike the magma area itself, it could trigger a doomsday blast through catastrophic human error! Thats a rabbit hole Id rather not dive into.

Onwards and downwards . . .

Images for collage: Wikipedia


Original Link: http://feeds.boingboing.net/~r/boingboing/iBag/~3/UpZ1t8z5a-Q/americas-killer-volcano-an.html

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