In the tabloids: Obamas secret bunker and a stool-pigeon parrot

A CPR tutor needed resuscitating when he went into cardiac arrest during class, it rained pork sausages in Florida, and a pet parrot turned canary to help convict a killer.

Its reassuring to know that good old-fashioned tabloid stories havent entirely disappeared, though this week's magazines persist in offering their warped window on the world of politics.

33 Clinton Enemies Murdered! screams the 'Globe cover, asking: Whos Behind The Killings? We dont have to wait long for the answer: its on page 8: Hillary Killing Her Enemies! Cue the libel lawsuit. Evil Clintons will do ANYTHING to bury the truth about corruption, adds the story, which claims that Ruthless Hillary Clintons secret squad of brutal assassins is quietly rubbing out her enemies.

After citing a succession of suspicious deaths the Globe source concedes: No one has ever proven if any of these people were actually murdered on Bill and Hillarys orders - but there are just too many of them to ignore! Right. That should stand up in court.

The National Enquirer continues its Trump-loving coverage with its cover exclusive: Obamas Plot to Destroy Trump! Its source is none other than Enquirer political columnist (a job title that must count as a career pinnacle) Dick Morris. He exposes former President Obamas secret war room in Washington D.C. with its bunker that reeks of sabotage, intrigue & dirty tricks. Obama is allegedly trying to save his legislative achievements, which is hardly shocking or nefarious. The Enquirer even quotes political maverick Roger Stone allegedly confirming the existence of an Obama war room, explaining The Obamas are desperate to return to power. Barack intends to insert his wife as president. Because former presidents have the authority to declare their spouse the next president? Is that really how it works, Roger?

Gotcha! yells the Globe headline (echoing the infamous headline in the Sun when Britain sunk Argentine warship the General Belgrano' during the Falklands War) reporting on U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) agents arresting 114 vicious crooks and perverts in a New York raid, The 11-day operation was spearheaded by Donald Trump, reports the Globe, which implies that he was out on the raids wearing a SWAT flak jacket and carrying a battering ram, rather than just ranting repeatedly about criminal immigrants. But ICE officials have declined to say if many of those arrested were picked up at courthouses - a self-selecting group that would give the false impression that the majority of immigrants picked up in raids are criminals, and a practice denounced by legal aid groups.

But you can't argue with a publication that on the same cover reports on Brad Pitts marital split keeping him from his daughter: Shiloh: 323 Days Without Daddy! Thats an awfully long time for an 11-year-old not to see her father. Except when you read the story on page 4, the Enquirer reports: Brad has weekly supervised visits with all the kids . . . So, its actually been no more than seven days since Shiloh last saw her father? Thats close to 323 days, isnt it?

Titanic movie stars Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet take their romance off-screen, claims the Enquirer, assuring: Its Real Love! Poolside photos show DiCaprio with his arm around Winslets shoulder, while she has slipped an arm across his back. Why, they could almost be old friends. The fact that Winslet is married, and that DiCaprio has an appetite for supermodels half his age seems to have been ignored.

Back in the real world, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolies divorce is off according to Us magazine, which quotes a less-than-convincing unnamed source saying: It wouldnt be surprising if they announced that theyre calling it off and trying to work things out.

People magazines cover girl this week is TVs Bachelorette Rachel Lindsay, who explains why she chose to give her final rose to Bryan Abasolo: I followed my heart. Does that mean she ignored her head, and all the voices of logic that told her not to get engaged to a man after only two months of public serial cheating with 30 other men?

Fortunately we have the crack investigative team at Us magazine to tell us that Jennifer Garner wore it best, Cat Deeley loves cheese (the stinkier the better), and that the stars are just like us: they shop at Whole Foods, ride rollercoasters, and play with their pets. Actress Lili Simmons carries bamboo reusable eating utensils, pink Beats headphones and rose quartz from Sedona that reminds me to love and stay grounded in her Louis Vuitton purse, How does rose quartz help you stay grounded - unless you carry 200 pounds of the mineral in your purse? Try getting that off the ground.

Or 15 pounds of Italian pork sausage, which is what inexplicably fell from the sky and landed on the roof of a South Florida family, according to the National Examiner, which also brings us the story of CPR instructor David Knowles who had to tell his students how to save his life when he suffered a heart attack while teaching a class in Exeter, Britain. Both stories, sounding implausible, are of course among the few accurate reports in this weeks tabloids, as is the Enquirer story about the parrot which apparently witnessed a Michigan woman killing her husband and whose repeated squawks of Dont shoot! helped convict her.

What is the world coming to if the most inane stories in the tabloids are actually true?

Onwards and downwards . . .