Putins love slave, White House rocked by sex scandal, and what Sharknado 5 star Cassie Scarbo carries in her purse, in this weeks tabloids

Vladimir Putins "American love slave tells all, President Trump can foil Muellers dark mission," and sex romps rock White House, in this weeks fact-challenged tabloids.

Politics has always been show-business with consequences, and this weeks tabloids are no exception.The National Enquirer, which brings us its Political Sex Scandal Hall of Shame - All Stars include Bill Clinton, John Edwards, and the irrepressible Anthony Weiner - reports that President Donald Trump has been rocked by a sleazy sex scandal after a top aide was caught cheating on his wife - with a hottie younger than his own daughters!

While trying to fathom how the term hottie was exhumed from 1950s porn magazines, whats most remarkable is that the Trump-loving Enquirer would expend an ounce of ink criticizing their beloved Commander in Chief. But of course, thats not what theyre doing. This shocking revelation is allegedly about former election campaign chairman Paul Manafort, who Trump is desperately trying to put in his rear view mirror, having been exposed for links to Russia, and attending Donald Trump Jr's infamous meeting with Russian lawyer Natalia Veselnitskaya, hoping to find dirt on Hillary Clinton. Its clearly another indication of how Trump can turn on his former aides, that Manaforts alleged infidelity romping with his 33-year-old mistress in the bedroom he shares with his wife can become fodder for celebrity-hungry Enquirer readers.

Enquirer political columnist Dick Morris claims that special counselor Robert Mueller has shown he is determined to bring Trump down, and will stop at nothing. No hyperbole there, Dick? Just the facts? Originally hired to investigate possible collusion between the Trump campaign and the Kremlin to fix the U.S. election, he is now using his unlimited power, money and staff to go far back into the presidents past to find grounds for impeachment. And why is that a problem, Dick?

More is at stake than party politics here, he explains. The ability of the people to select their president and the office of the president itself are in play. Oh, right.

Meanwhile the Globe sticks it to Russia's Vladimir Putin with a dubiously-sourced and unverifiable report claiming to interview his former mistress. Allegedly rendered flaccid by German beer, Putin would pop Viagra and the pills would turn him insatiable, says the 36-year-old blond bombshell, who claims she was the kinky Kremlin kingpins playmate from 2012 to 2014, enjoying trysts in Paris, Moscow, and across Europe.

The Globe does not reveal her identity, but allegedly tracked her down "with the help of a CIA informant." Not a CIA agent, but an informant. How hard would it be for any unscrupulous individual to contact the Globe claiming to be a CIA informant, offering an unidentified blond for interview purporting to be Putins alleged lover? And would the Globe scrupulously verify her story before publishing? That seems unlikely, which is why this story is on page 44, and not on the cover. And why is she called Putins love slave? Why not just his lover?

Back in the (un)real world, the Globe reports that Prince William and wife Kate are taking charge of the British Royal Family (they arent); that serial killer Ted Bundy was a sociopathic monster (shocker!); and that a haunted mansion ghost has been caught on camera (or its a hazy white smudge on the lens.)

The Enquirer reports that John Travolta piloted a gay orgy jet (or maybe he just flew ten male friends to Africa); that Princess Dianas grave in Althorp Park is empty and she was secretly buried in nearby St Marys Church (a well-worn conspiracy theory trotted out for the approaching 20th anniversary of her death); and morning TV show host Kelly Ripa says: I Quit! (according to the cover, though the story inside claims to the contrary that she hasnt resigned, but shes ready to walk if Ryan Seacrest is treated as the star of her show.)

Us magazine tells us that its wedding bells for country singer Miranda Lambert, while People magazine devotes its cover to Lauren Conrad telling How Love Changed Me, and I honestly couldn't care less about either.

Fortunately we have the crack investigative squad at Us magazine to tell us that Leighton Meester wore it best, designer Betsy Johnsons favorite animal is the ostrich, Sharknado 5: Global Swarming actress Cassie Scarbo carries a little guardian angel stone, headphones and concealer in her Fjallrven Knken handbag, and that the stars are just like us: they eat at McDonalds drive-throughs, go through airport security, and sip on Starbucks. Fascinating, as ever.

The Examiner once again offers the most accurate yet unlikely news: A research project to implant microchips in peoples heads has been approved for the federal government - to allow telepathic communication. While another word for telepathic might be wireless via wi-fi or bluetooth, the story about DARPAs Neural Engineering Systems Design wing is broadly correct: research is underway on brain implants to interface with neurons governing sight and sound. The research hopes to gain greater understanding of the neurology of brain function, but theres always the hope that an interface could in years to come be used therapeutically, and perhaps eventually for communication between the brain and an outside source. Who wouldnt want the entire content of the National Examiner beamed directly into their brain?

Onwards and downwards . . .