Aliens destroy U.S. nukes, Trump defeats N Korea, and Blac Chyna goes classier, in this weeks tabloids

Supermarket tabloids have given us aliens in the White House, Bat Boy, Elvis lives, and the first photos of heaven, but I never thought Id read this stunning sentence . . .

In May, a new ferry service began moving up to 200 passengers and 1,000 tons of cargo every month between North Korea and the Russian port of Vladivostok.

What the hell is happening at the National Enquirer?Theyve gone so deep into Donald Trumps corner that its readers who crave titilating details of celebrity scandal are being fed a weekly diet of Trumped-up propaganda, which this week brings us a cover story and three pages on Trumps secret plan to defeat North Koreas Doomsday machine.

America is evidently under siege by North Koreas escalating nuclear weapons program, and Donald

Trump has taken bold and extraordinary steps to ensure America survives the siege and emerges with total victory!

That sounds like something that Kim Jong-uns propaganda machine might churn out, but its here in the Enquirer, which laboriously details tanker movements between North Korea and Russia, reporting: It could be oil - or something much more sinister. Maybe theyre shipping old copies of the Enquirer to North Korea - what could be more sinister that that?

At least its not all geopolitics in this weeks tabloids.

Kim Kardashian has been allegedly caught on drug video claims the Enquirer, though since it was filmed in 2003, thats neither new or shocking.Dubious reporting abounds in the Enquirer, which claims that Natalie Wood was raped before her death! The mag explains that a rape kit may have been used during the actresss autopsy, but no results were ever released. But since when is using a rape kit proof that anyone was actually raped? Hearsay and conjecture: the ingredients for any good tabloid story.

The Enquirer fails again when exposing Michael Jacksons kiddie nude stash. But its not Jacko's promised treasure trove of child porn. Rather its a copy of an old magazine with the titles of nudist DVDs circled - a magazine found among "documents of Michaels management team. So the 1999 mag could have belonged to one of many people, not just Jackson. And the videos, while showing nudist families, were not pornographic. But why let the facts get in the way of a good story?

The Globe maintains these high journalistic standards with its cover story claiming that child beauty pageant veteran JonBenet Ramsey's murder has been "finally solved! Ignoring past Globe stories that have repeatedly solved JonBenets murder by naming convict John Mark Karr as her self-confessed killer, the magazine now claims that convicted sex attacker Keith Schwinaman is her real killer. The new evidence? Evidently Schwinamans plea deal ensured that he could not be forced to submit his DNA to see if he committed other crimes.

Hes clearly hiding something . . . therefore hes JonBenets killer! It seems obvious, doesnt it? When has the Globe ever been wrong before? (Hint - ask John Mark Karr.)

Queen names William King! screams the National Examiner cover headline, scooping all of Fleet Street and the worlds press with this Royal Shocker! The Queen has reportedly axed son Charles from succeeding to the throne over his $250 million divorce. Only two small problems with these stories: Charles and Camilla haven't filed for divorce, and Charles is still heir to the British throne. I know, picky, picky . . .

Dancing With the Stars nuptials dominate the glossies this week: Julianne Houghs dream wedding occupies the cover and seven pages of

People magazine, while fellow cast-mate Maksim Chemerkovskys wedding to DWTS dancer Peta Murgatroyd takes the cover and six pages of Us magazine. The dresses! The dancing! The ring-bearer dogs! raves People. The ring, the dress, the afterparty! rejoices Us. What, no ring-bearer dogs for Maks and Peta? Couldnt they all have saved a fortune and had a double wedding?

Blac Chyna tells Us mag my side of the story in her break-up with Rob Kardashian, the least interesting member of a self-aggrandizing family whose lives are fabricated for the cameras. She reveals next to nothing, proclaiming Im taking a classier route. But wheres the fun in that? And she fails to answer the question on everyones lips: Why cant she figure out how to spell Black China?

Fortunately we have the crack investigative team at Us magazine to tell us that Vanessa Hudgens wore it best (and still looked terrible), that Fred Savages favorite place in the world is his backyard, Real Housewives of New York City newcomer Tinsley Mortimer carries hairspray, sunglasses and tanning cream in her L.L. Bean tote, and that the stars are just like us: they bicycle, eat fruit, and shop at drugstores. Shocking!

Rescuing us from dreary details of Russian-Korean trade, the Examiner tries to return tabloids to their former glory with news that Dead Aliens Seen at Roswell Crash Site! Better yet, the Examiner reveals that UFOs destroyed our nukes!

Apparently ten ICBMs were mysteriously switched to off-alert and could not be launched, after UFOs floated above a U.S. military base in Minot, North Dakota, in 1966. It seems a long time for such a revelation to be revealed, but witnesses were reportedly instructed to keep silent. Thank goodness someone was finally brave enough to reveal the truth.

Onwards and downwards . . .