Florida skunk ape is real and "gives out a horrifying odor": National Examiner

You have to admire the insight, investigative prowess and sheer imagination of the tabloids, which this week are brimming with information that few people on earth could possibly know.

It has been widely reported that a Secret Service agents laptop was stolen from her car, containing blueprints of President Trumps homes. But only the National Enquirer has the inside scoop to reveal the culprit behind the theft: "Terrorists steal laptop.

Its doubtless the same network of impeccable inside sources that allows the Globe to definitively report that a booze-free Ben Affleck packs on 48 lbs, presumably because they have bugged his bathroom scales and know he hasnt gained 47 lbs or 49 lbs - its exactly 48 lbs. Thats how accurate their information is.

The Globe promises veteran actor Michael Caine disclosing: My Cancer Hell! And what hell it is! Beneath the headline Michael Caine, 84, Wrestling Death! the British star confesses that he tries to eat healthily so that he never gets cancer. Way to wrestle, Michael. I know my days are numbered, he says. Ill probably drop dead. And thats a quote that everyone alive could safely say without fear of contradiction. Great reporting.

Starsky & Hutch Deathbed Reunion! screams the Globe cover, though the photos of Paul Michael Glaser pushing his former TV co-star David Soul in a wheelchair suggests otherwise. If Glaser was pushing Soul in a Sealy Posturepedic down the street Id buy the deathbed reunion, but last time I checked the fact of being in a wheelchair didnt mean you had hours left to live.

Antonio Banderas recently admitted suffering a heart attack, and the Enquirer reports that he has flown to Switzerland for life-saving treatment. Which doesnt quite explain why he has gone to a clinic known for its cosmetic surgery procedures.

Ellen Degeneres told her TV talk show recently that she drank two glasses of wine and fell into a door, dislocating a finger - but thats enough for the Enquirer to brand it a booze binge and for the Globe to report: Wino Ellen Needs Rehab Right Now! You have to look twice to notice the really small print just below the headline, adding the crucial words: pals fear. Because thats what friends are for in Hollywood: telling the tabloids what nightmares could befall their celebrity BFFs.

Lady killer O.J. Simpson plans to hook up with monster mom Casey Anthony after hes released from the slammer - because theyre perfect for each other! reports the Globe, in one of those why-didnt-I-think-of-that ideas that springs up at editorial meetings and seems like a really good idea by the time you get to the bar after work, and doesnt require a scintilla of evidence to support, because its such a great idea. The fact that theyve never met or spoken is beside the point.

The Globe also devotes two pages to Princess Dianas death, revealing: Charles Murder Motive Exposed! The report explains: Diana had to die so British would accept his marriage to Hussy Camilla! Because if they had simply divorced, the public would never have sanctioned Charles remarrying Camilla Parker-Bowles, it seems to argue. Divorce wasnt enough. Facts? Who needs them? Not the Globe, which repeats its old assertion that Diana survived her Paris car crash almost 20 years ago and was killed with a poison injection in the ambulance. It falls back on its well-worn unnamed royal source. My guess is its the Queen, accepting under-the-table payments of $25 for every story she gives them, since the tabloids reported last year that she was broke."

Us' magazine devotes its cover to Keeping Up With The Kardashians former bit-player and occasional basketball player Lamar Odom, admitting that everything he put ex-wife Khlo Kardashian through was my fault. And possibly the fault of the hookers. And the many other women he slept with. And the drugs. And booze. And his 12 strokes and two heart attacks. Secrets Ive never told, proclaims the cover, though the world has long known all of this, without Odom ever having to say a word. You have to expect that, Lamar, if the ambulance picks you up at a brothel.

At least its better than People magazines feature on TVs Suits actress dating Prince Harry: Meghan Markles Untold Story. Which amounts to friends saying that shes incredibly cool and down-to-earth, and is a strong advocate for women and girls. If thats the untold story (which weve heard a dozen times before) please dont tell us anything more about her.

Fortunately we have Us magazines intrepid investigative team to tell us that Chrissy Teigen wore it best, rapper Future never eats seafood because I aint down with how it smells, actress and Real Housewife of Beverly Hills Lisa Rinna carries Alka-Seltzer for the morning-after-the-night-before, Clorox wipes to clean germs from light switches, and a Kabbalah red string in her Gucci bag, and that the stars are just like us: they drink coffee, carry their luggage, bicycle, and walk their dogs. And the paparazzi are there to make sure we dont miss a moment of it.

The National Examiner devotes two pages to a report that the mythical Florida skunk ape may be real, after recent video allegedly shows an unidentified animal lurking behind palmetto branches. It was probably a paparazzo, though the Enquirer would be certain to identify this as a terrorist, and for the Examiner its evidence of the legendary figure who haunts the depths of the states perilous bogs and gives out a horrifying odor.

Hats off to the Examiner for its full page under the headline: Intuition: Do you have it? If you didnt see that coming, then you probably dont.

Onwards and downwards . . .