Puppet-master Obamas plot to undermine Trump, and other tabloid stunners

There are lies, damn lies (AKA Trump statements) and tabloid news.

"Michael Jackson exhumed!" screams this week's 'Globe.' Inside, a two-page spread sits under the headline: "Jackson crypt opened for new autopsy!"

Lies, plain and simple, as the 'Globe' article itself attests, if one bothers to read it. The gloved one's daughter Paris recently told 'Rolling Stone' magazine that she thought her father may have been murdered, which supposedly prompted the 'Globe' to initiate an "exhaustive investigation." This amounts to asking a bunch of rent-a-quote "experts" if Jackson could have been murdered. Their conclusion: "Michael Jackson's body must be exhumed for a new autopsy."

In other words, there's nothing new to the story, and Jackson's body is still six feet under.

Prince Charles' wife is the target of the 'Globe' cover headline: "Alcoholic Camilla Thrown Into Rehab!" Seasoned tabloid readers will fondly remember the 'Globe' cover of November 25, 2013, with the headline: "Queen Orders Drunken Camilla Into Detox!" Both stories rely on the Royal Family's reluctance to sue for libel, and seem to be based on nothing coming close to resembling a fact. Of course, the latest 'Globe' report doesn't suggest that Camilla is in an actual rehab clinic, but "has been confined to her quarters in Highgrove House."

Which was easily disproved when Camilla was seen with Prince Charles on February 8 happily mingling with crowds as they visited an art show in the British town of Hull, and appeared earlier this week at a charity dinner in London. Or maybe it was one of those 24-hour rehabs?

Kim and Khloe Kardashian have had "Matching Butt Reduction Surgeries" according to the 'National Enquirer.' Or maybe they both just lost weight and wore a different style of Spanx? Which seems more likely?

Maintaining its role as Donald Trump's leading political mouthpiece, the 'Enquirer' devotes a two-page spread to "Obama's Back Room Plot To Impeach Trump!" Branding Obama a "treasonous puppet master," the story describes how the former president "is pulling the strings on a coordinated conspiracy across multiple federal agencies to sabotage the Trump administration." That's the claim of an unnamed "left-leaning whistle-blower." Can't argue with a source as impeccable as that.

It's the same dedication to journalistic integrity that allows the 'Enquirer' to report that George Clooney has confessed: "I Knocked Up Amal!" Following an earlier report that the actor's wife is expecting, Clooney was allegedly asked: "When's the baby due?" In response, Clooney reportedly "grinned from ear to ear and all but confirmed our report with a proverbial, and sly, wink and a nod." Well, that settles it then. Clooney couldn't have been clearer if he'd written the 'Enquirer' headline himself.

'Us' magazine also goes political this week, with a cover story on Ivanka Trump and husband Jared Kushner, "under pressure" and "feeling the strain." What's stressing their marriage so severely? According to 'Us,' Ivanka was mocked by the interwebs for posting an Instagram photo of herself in a metallic Caroline Herrera gown the day after her father signed his Muslim travel ban, and Nordstrom announced that it would no longer carry her fashion brand. If that's what counts as "under pressure" these days, Ivanka and her family are in for a bumpy ride.

Fortunately we have 'Us' magazine's renown team of crack investigative reporters to tell us that Hailey Baldwin wore it best, actress Anika Noni Rose carries Neosporin, hand cream and spectacles in her Roots tote, and that the stars are just like us: they buy flowers, grocery shop, sunbathe, and love a good game of curling. Wait, what? How is competing at curling "just like us," unless we live in frozen northern climes?

'People' magazine, which devotes numerous issues a year to diets and weight loss, and features annual lists of the tanned-and-toned "most beautiful" and "sexiest" stars, devotes this week's cover to the ample-bodied star of TV's 'This Is Us,' Chrissy Metz, declaring: "I'm Proud of Who I Am." As a woman of size "embracing her body" it's a refreshing change from the magazine's normally relentless fat-shaming celebration of hard-bodied celebrities. Then again, Metz tells the mag: "I want to have a fit, healthy body and not have to be put in a box." Which of course is exactly where 'People' magazine puts her every other week of the year.

Onwards and downwards . . .