Gifts for Lovers in the Death Throes of The American Republic

Share a final candle-flicker of joy before the annihilation begins: Twitter / .

Silver heart pill container pendant / $100

Compartment will fit 6 small antipsychotic pills comfortably.

Jasmine Absolute Essential Oil / $55

An uplifting, hopeful, and romantic scent. Beautiful as a pick me up, or an aphrodisiac. Xeni

Personalized End Grain Chopping Block / $190

This personally engraved chopping block is to die for! As you shall, in the brutal civil war portended by the election of Donald Trump. Rob

Square, lightweight plastic flask from Stanley / $15

Sturdy, multicolored flasks that go around the world with you, perfectfor a sneaky V-day cocktail with your sweetie (Previously) Cory

The Womanizer: comes with a "100% orgasm guarantee"

It's not a vibrator. It's a gadget that suckles the clitoris. Vanessa Marin, a licensed psychotherapist specializing in sex therapy, said it "induces powerful orgasms in a shockingly short amount of time." Mark

Barry White: All-Time Greatest Hits / $4

Want to set the mood? Here's the soundtrack your evening needs. Jason

Defenders Mushroom Extract Blend / $35

Say it with shrooms! This is a high-quality Asian medicinal mushroom extract tonic, an exotic blend with purported adaptogenic properties. It may brighten up your brain and help you cope with stress. Chaga, Reishi, Shiitake, Maitake and Turkey Tail. Xeni

Key Knife / $12

A blade cleverly hidden in a key-shaped handle, which many report having successfully taken through TSA checkpoints Cory

Flashing LED Heart Kit / $10

Solder up a special something for your loved one or, better yet, have a romantic maker date and do it yourselves. Ah, love just makes everything glow. — David

Crystal Ball / $13

Your loved one might need this to see into the future of our country. You may want to buy one for yourself. Xeni

Diamond-Accent Pendant Necklace / $80

For those who just need to get the Valentine's Day situation dealt with immediately, which is everyone, frankly, because we're all going to be obliterated, our atoms blasted onto the winds of space, our ultimate fate no nobler or less magnificent than to become the matter of new stars — Rob

Such romance. Much feelings. / $5

A Very Doge Valentine Card Jason

Unfuck Your Habitat / $13

Unfucker-in-chief Rachel Hoffman has distilled the Unfuck-your-habitat philosophy into a brilliant, breezy book Cory

Star Trek: The Original Series Adult Coloring Book / $10

If you are home alone, chances are you'll enjoy this TOS coloring book. Jason

BookBook laptop covers / $80

Show your loved one that you love them, but don't want to look at their ugly laptop. One of the best looking and feeling laptop covers, BookBook protects your device from a drop. It looks enough like a book you may be able to keep your laptop in the seatback when traveling by air. Jason

Latex Skull Bag / $75

Also available in black and pink, this glow-in-the-dark molded memento mori handbag features a spooky lining and an inside pocket Cory

Giant Testes Door Knocker / $200

Are you meeting a romantic partner's family for the first time this Christmas and at a loss for a gift idea that will impress them with your suitability as a potential addition to the clan? Look no farther. Cory

Lotte Lenya Sings Berlin Theatre Songs / $7

The great bittersweet voice songs of romance, hope, hedonism, and a reminder that life and love endure, even when dark clouds fill our skies Xeni

Barefoot Dreams Bamboo wrap / $90

A soft and cozy feminine gift that looks amazing. Depending on the season, usually these are in the $80-$100 range on Amazon . With proper care, they stay fuzzy and fresh for a long time. Xeni

Laser-cut birchwood landscape rings / $24

Beautiful landscape rings to mix and match from Britain—there are houses, trees and mountains (there's also an acrylic tsunami). Read more — Cory

Sex and Drugs: A Journey Beyond Limits / $25

A classic book of blissed-out altered consciousness by Boing Boing patron saint Robert Anton Wilson. Mark

Anatomical Heart Necklace / $48

Designed by Lost Apostle, the heart is white bronze, approximately 3/4" tap, and comes on a gunmetal chain. Also available as a ring! — David

Belgian Darts Set / $120

End grain basswood board, scoring rings separated by hydraulically inserted brass, and polished steel-tipped darts with birch wood barrels and shafts. A perfectly subtle way to prepare your offspring for the generations-long struggle against nameless enemies, in which guns and tanks will be but legendary vestiges of the once-great civilizations of man, spoke of in hushed and revential terms as darts are carved and sharpened in the fire. — Rob

Pilot Vanishing Point retractible nib fountain pen / $140

I love my unique, never leaking Pilot/Namiki Vanishing Point. I have carried it for years and the pen writes as beautifully today as when I bought it. Read More — Jason

Full Body Spandex Lycra Suit / $40

Enjoy a close encounter of the 4th kind with your loved one!

Kawaii Heart Stickers / $5

Five bucks a sheet

Moleskine, Large / $16

For scrawling the last and most personal secrets of humanity by the light of a smog-veiled and uncertain sun, the final recollections of a lover and a time lost to the vast and shearing weight of death and war. And maybe a bit of saucy slashfic too! - Rob

Note that however sexy it may be, an InflatableTyrannosaurusRexCostume will not fit in a bug-out bag.

Thank you for clicking on the lovingly-curated affiliate links included in these selections.

Add your suggestions in the comments