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November 18, 2016 05:33 pm PST

Oswald didnt kill JFK! and more tabloid stunners

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What are we coming to when the National Enquirer accurately reports Donald Trumps speech promising reforms in his first 100 days in office? They even add, in giant print on the front page, "in his own words - because they know how rare it is for anyone quoted in the Enquirer to actually be quoted correctly.

Of course, the Trump-supporting rag cant resist gloating, putting it all beneath the cover headline: We Told You So!

How long can it be before the New York Times is reporting on Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolies divorce, or Prince Harrys latest girlfriend? Oh wait -- theyve already done that.

But the Enquirer cant maintain its facade of accuracy for long, plunging headlong into a series of highly dubious fact-free zones. Princes Harrys girlfriend, American actress Meghan Markle, is reportedly enduing a Nude Photo Horror! But its typical Enquirer wishful thinking. Markle evidently told a humorous anecdote about skinny-dipping in a New Zealand lake one day in 2012, only to find that pranksters had stolen her clothes. Shes panicked that the photos will be published, raves the mag. Except there are no photos. Never were. Theres no suggestion that a single photo was snapped. No nude photo horror. No panic.

Actress Jennifer Garner is saving her troubled marriage to Ben Affleck by having a baby, reports the Enquirer, for at least the second time this year. This is based on a photo that shows Garner is a loose-fitting shirt. Just like the photos of her six months ago in a loose sweater, when they also swore she was pregnant. This is one of those games where they will keep reporting shes pregnant until one day she actually will be, and the Enquirer will congratulate itself for always being right. We were right Again, Again and Again! the Enquirer proclaims in this weeks issue, ignoring the times it was wrong about Ted Cruzs father being involved in the assassination of John F Kennedy, or the Queens abdication, or actor Nick Noltes death -- the Enquirer gave him four weeks to live many months ago and -- many, many other fantastical tales.

In a custody bombshell, the Enquirer cover claims that Brads secret tapes destroy crazy Angie! The mag reports that Brad Pitt has damaging tapes exposing her insane rages -- and sick sexual kinks. But these arent tapes of Angelina Jolie behaving badly. The tapes -- if they even exist -- are allegedly recordings of Pitt complaining, made by Pitts lifelong confidante, celebrity psychic Ron Bard. Even if Bard decided to breach the confidentiality agreement he undoubtedly signed, such tapes would prove nothing more than Brad making unsubstantiated allegations about Angie. Its proof of nothing, and would have no effect on their custody battle.

Best of all is the "Enquirer World Exclusive offering a jailhouse confession by prison inmate Gary Olivia, who was reportedly once a key suspect in the murder of infant pageant queen JonBenet Ramsey, But despite the headlines suggestion, hes not confessing to killing the six-year-old. He simply confesses to having partied with her ghost, building a shrine to JonBenet in his cell, and allegedly admits that he is a deranged pervert obsessed with the death of a small child. Why would the Enquirer publish the ramblings of a self-confessed deranged pervert in the first place? Because they can.

The Globe claims that TVs Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin committed suicide, according to a "chilling new autopsy report. But the Globe story goes on to admit that there is no new autopsy, only the original one performed a decade ago. And claims that he was suicidal because of neck pain are not made in the coroners report, but dubiously come from an unnamed insider. Presumably Irwin was killed by a stingray that had been paid large sums of squid to hurl its barb into Irwins chest, because stingrays are the hitmen of the ocean. Right.

Skinny Angelina has been warned: Eat Now or Die! according to the Globe, which claims the actress has dropped to 76 pounds, while in the same issue reporting that Pitts first wife Jennifer Aniston gains 50 lbs! If Pitts estranged wife would only eat all his ex-wifes meals, perhaps they could both be fit and happy. Mel Gibson also packs on 50 lbs and goes from hunk to chunk says the Globe, whose reporters are routinely recruited from State Fairs, where they work in 'Guess Your Weight booths.

Oswald didnt kill JFK! screams the cover of the National Examiner -- which would put Ted Cruzs father in the clear -- claiming that it was a Castro hitman who killed the president. Presumably because Castro couldnt pay a stingray enough to do the deed, due to the famous Cuban squid shortage of 1963.

Fortunately we have Us magazines crack investigative team to tell us that Olivia Culpo wore it best, Christian Serratos carries a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey, lip balm and post-defecation fragrance Poo-Pourri in her Stella McCartney tote, and that the stars are just like us: they swim, they stretch before exercise, and they hold onto their bags. Yep, thats the best caption they could come up with for a photo of Liev Schreiber "(wearing a Tiffany CT60 watch) headed to work in NYC Oct. 31. Presumably because they rejected the caption: The stars are just like us: They hate being photographed by strangers.

Onwards and downwards . . .


Original Link: http://feeds.boingboing.net/~r/boingboing/iBag/~3/ADmlhcXLEoQ/oswald-didnt-kill-jfk.html

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