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Secret White House economic analysis foresees new Great Depression within months, and other tabloid stunners
[My friend Peter Sheridan is a Los Angeles-based correspondent for British national newspapers. He has covered revolutions, civil wars, riots, wildfires, and Hollywood celebrity misdeeds for longer than he cares to remember. As part of his job, he must read all the weekly tabloids. For the past couple of years, he's been posting terrific weekly tabloid recaps on Facebook and has graciously given us permission to run them on Boing Boing. Enjoy! - Mark]
How sick do you have to be to love celebrity magazines?
People mag this week boasts ads promising to treat migraine, lung cancer, psoriasis, exocrine pancreatic deficiency, irritable bowel syndrome, aging, protein deficiency, blisters, allergies, pneumococcal disease and clogged nasal pores. Presumably the advertisers know their audience.
Yet the mag also seems intent on hurrying readers to an early grave with artery-clogging recipes for mustard barbecue ribs and grilled corn with cheese and cayenne, along with ads for cherry and chocolate smores, fudge stripe cookies and caramel macchiato.
When Us magazine insists that the stars are just like us - this week they walk their dogs, slurp soup and buy in bulk - it doesnt mention that theyre also fighting depression and chugging diet pills, both of which are advertised in its pages.
But if youre not already sick, this weeks tabloids will get you there.
Ten pages jam-packed with Bill Clintons alleged mistresses, sex harassment victims and even discredited accusers fill the National Enquirer, which explains Why Hillary can never be president because she covered up predator Bills sex crimes.
Its a claim that bears consideration, but the Enquirers full-nuclear-option attack listing Bill Clinton's 36 alleged victims and Hillarys decades of terror and threats against women may seem just a mite politically motivated. Especially when followed by a spread headlined: Were backing Donald all the way! in which ex-wives Ivana and Marla reveal why Trumps the only man for the White House. Because hes done so much to advance womens rights, one assumes.
How sick must you be to believe the Enquirers world exclusive claiming that Tom Cruise has not seen ten-year-old daughter Suri since September 2013 because he has been brainwashed into believing that an evil spirit is controlling his innocent little girl? What the Enquirer actually means is that Cruise hasnt been photographed in public with Suri in three years, which isnt exactly the same as not seeing his daughter. But as the Enquirer will tell you, if they dont see it, it never happened. (And if they report it, it probably never happened either.)
Its a similar logic that has the Enquirer show a photo of Drew Barrymore, freshly split from husband Will Kopelman, in a baggy sweater which prompts an insider to say: It looks like she has a baby bump! Lets get this straight: a Kalahari tribesman could look at this photo and say: It looks like she has a baby bump! Its a baggy sweater, fer cryin out loud. We dont need an insider to speculate on why an actress wears loose-fitting clothing. An insider would actually know. And the Enquirer simply doesnt, which is par for the course.
Beyonce is rocketing toward a blockbuster $1 billion divorce from husband Jay Z, claims the Globe, flying in the face of all evidence that she has overcome whatever concerns she may have had over her husbands alleged infidelity. The Globe also claims that Ted Kennedys first wife Joan is writing a deathbed tell-all, feverishly scribbling page after page during the wee hours of the night in a race against time. A deathbed normally conjures up images of hospital ventilators, intravenous drips and painkillers, but evidently to the Globe it means writing long into the night. Which naturally gives the Globe carte blanche to dredge up every Kennedy clan scandal it can think of, because speculation is always more interesting than reality.
Kelly Ripa tells My side of the story in People magazine, revealing her shock at co-host Michael Strahans departure from TV show Live, and I really couldnt care less.
Us magazine brings us Princes final days hiding his prescription pill addiction from loved ones, and his last-ditch plea for help. But thats just wishful headline writing: Us mags story reveals no last-ditch plea for help by the rocker - it was worried aides who called an addiction specialist, and Princes lawyer confirms that the hope was to get him stabilized . . . and convince him to go to a rehab clinic.
Fortunately we have Us mags crack investigative team to tell us that Lily Aldridge (Who she, Ed?) wore it best, Caitriona Balfe (Seriously, who she - Ed?) carries mascara, highlighter and an In-N-Out Burger gift card in her Miu Miu satchel, Trevor Noah admits I love cuddling, and that Kim Kardashian had an epiphany on her recent trip to Cuba: Living in the moment having no phone service was so amazing! If a visit to Cuba stops her posting relentless selfies, I for one would happily donate generously to a fund to keep her there.
The ever-optimistic National Examiner reveals details of a secret White House economic analysis which foresees a new Great Depression within months or even weeks, with U.S. unemployment hitting 40 per cent, average annual salaries dropping to less than $10,000 and uncontrolled inflation. I cant imagine why the Wall Street Journal hasnt picked up on this yet.
Onwards and downwards . . .
Original Link: http://feeds.boingboing.net/~r/boingboing/iBag/~3/3OTHa2hEjKs/secret-white-house-economic-an.html