Your Web News in One Place

Help Webnuz

Referal links:

Sign up for GreenGeeks web hosting
March 23, 2016 06:03 pm PDT

64 per cent of women prefer country music stars to creepy evangelical hypocrites

bloids21111

[My friend Peter Sheridan is a Los Angeles-based correspondent for British national newspapers. He has covered revolutions, civil wars, riots, wildfires, and Hollywood celebrity misdeeds for longer than he cares to remember. As part of his job, he must read all the weekly tabloids. For the past couple of years, he's been posting terrific weekly tabloid recaps on Facebook and has graciously given us permission to run them on Boing Boing. Enjoy! - Mark]

Whats in Lukensias lunch box?

Thats the burning question on the lips of Us magazines crack investigative team. The hard-hitting reporters who week after week delve into the heart of Hollywood darkness to expose the handbag contents of a celebrity youve barely heard of, this week bring us an earth-shattering exclusive: the contents of TV fitness trainer Jillian Michaels' five-year-old daughters lunch box.

She just likes snacks, says Jillian, in a revelation sure to break the Internet and push Isis bombers off the front page. Crackers and popcorn, cheese sticks and beef jerky.Lukensia - her name supposedly means bringer of light, and lets face it, sounds better than calling your daughter Bic Lighter - carries it all in a Frozen lunchbox, with a Doc McStuffins thermos.

Is this a new low in celebrity journalism? Perhaps, but Im confident that with dedication, Us mag can stoop even lower. They tell us that Diane Kruger and Rita Ora wore it best, and the stars are still just like us: they dine out, stroll on the sand, they walk and talk - in other words: theyre boring.

Fans of Us mags 25 Things You Never Knew About . . . regular feature will delight in this weeks offering bringing us three celebrities: 75 things we didnt know! Bryshere Y Gray reveals I hate mushrooms, Gabourey Sidibe confesses I cant ride a bike, and Trai Byers drops the bombshell: Christmas is my favorite time of year. This has Pulitzer written all over it.

With its cover devoted to Rob Kardashians romance with Blac Chyna - Rescued By Love! - and 14 pages dedicated to celebrity makeovers - stars whove finally woken up to the fact that they cant just roll out of bed and expect the interwebs not to savage them - its shocking to realize that the only items in this weeks publication that arent complete fluff are the three staples punched through its spine.

People magazines cover proclaims that Princess Kate is following in Dianas footsteps, but closer inspection reveals that shes not having an affair with a millionaire playboy and driving wildly through Paris streets, but is simply wearing wide-brimmed hats and holding small bouquets of flowers. You know its a quiet week in celebrityland when Peoples best stories are its recipes for creamy tomato soup and honey-roasted chicken.

The Globe gives Michael Douglas and Britains Queen a rest from their regular death-watch, and this week decides its Michael J Fox and Zsa Zsa Gabor who are facing The End."

The National Enquirer sticks with its trusted standby of celebrity sex scandals: singer Blake Shelton allegedly has 9 women hes hiding from lover Gwen Stefani, while Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz allegedly has 5 secret mistresses, perhaps proving that 64 per cent of women prefer country music stars to creepy evangelical hypocrites.

Cruz - branded Pervy Ted by the Enquirer, taking over the mantle formerly worn by Senator Edward Kennedy - allegedly has lovers described as a foxy political consultant, a pretty 30-ish Washington, D.C. lawyer, a hot babe, a sexy Austin schoolteacher, and a $1,000-a-night Washington, D.C. call girl. Im not making this up. But someone might be. Any substantiation for these shocking claims? Of course. The Enquirer quotes former Donald Trump aide Roger Stone saying: These stories have been swirling around Cruz for some time. Well, a former Trump aide cant be wrong, can he? Stories swirling? Cant ask for more proof than that.

Continuing its routine body-shaming, the Enquirer claims that singer Jessica Simpson had undergone another boob job bringing her to a 38EE, adding: If she went any bigger, shed fall over - though regrettably I dont think that quote came from a structural engineer; and posts a giant photo of Kim Kardashians derriere claiming that her huge hips are due to her butt implants bursting last month, under the headline: Kim Ks Explosive Dis-Ass-Ter! Id love to see the Enquirers engineering stress analysis of Kims caboose, but alas, they opt not to make that public.

We have to turn to the Examiner for real news: Yeti Snapped In Spanish Alps! screams the headline above a photo of a mysterious creature - a man wrapped in a white shag carpet, perhaps? - in the Pyrenees. And Its a Miracle! Bible Survives Car Fire! Apparently a Jeep Laredo crashed and burned near Memphis, TN, last month, but the Bible in the passenger seat emerged unscathed. That is God, said stunned witness Eugene McNeil. If you dont believe it, I dont know what to say.

A search of news photos of the crash clearly shows dozens of other paper documents strewn outside the car, equally undamaged by fire and also presumably saved by a Supreme Being who believed the drivers notes and scribbles worth saving. Apparently god likes paperwork and his best-selling biography more than people, however: the flame-broiled driver was hospitalized with non-life-threatening injuries."

If theres a god, Ill bet that Lukensias lunch box wouldnt have burned in that blaze either.

Onwards and downwards . . .


Original Link: http://feeds.boingboing.net/~r/boingboing/iBag/~3/8--1LepaVZU/64-per-cent-of-women-prefer-co.html

Share this article:    Share on Facebook
View Full Article