Nixon killed JFK and stole his brain! and other hard-hitting tabloid news

[My friend Peter Sheridan is a Los Angeles-based correspondent for British national newspapers. He has covered revolutions, civil wars, riots, wildfires, and Hollywood celebrity misdeeds for longer than he cares to remember. As part of his job, he must read all the weekly tabloids. For the past couple of years, he's been posting terrific weekly tabloid recaps on Facebook and has graciously given us permission to run them on Boing Boing. Enjoy! - Mark]

Theres an embarrassment of dubious riches old and new to be ashamed of in this weeks tabloids and celebrity magazines.

Nixon killed JFK and stole his brain! claims the National Enquirer, the CIA was behind RFK assassination! alleges the Examiner, and Princess Dianas secret letters told lover James Hewitt that he fathered Prince Harry, according to the Globe, all three tabloids kindly setting straight the historical record.

As for breaking news, People magazine devotes 11 pages to sexiest man alive David Beckham, six to the Paris terrorist attacks, and one page to Charlie Sheens HIV admission.

Contrast that with the National Enquirers mere seven paragraphs on Paris, and eight pages on Charlie Sheen.

Even a broken clock is right twice a day, and the Enquirer got one right with its Sheen HIV exclusive - but shamefully forced his confession by hounding him with money-grubbing former lovers, stigmatized him without compassion, and even now screams Charlie Sheen AIDS Cover-Up on its front page, when the actor has HIV at undetectable levels and not AIDS, which is no small distinction

Even when it gets it right, the Enquirer gets it so very wrong.

But worry not. There is also real news around this week: Kerry Washington and Chrissy Teigen wore it best, Lori Laughlin (Who she, Ed?) carries Mentos, moisturizer and reading glasses in her handbag, and the stars are just like us: they pick out new furnishings, they help the environment, and they read together with their children. I dont recall the last time I did any of these things, but celebrity news is supposedly aspirational, so maybe Ill run out and buy a new sofa, recycle my old one, and borrow some kids to read to.

Sharon Stone tells people mag that she is learning to play the harmonica, but I cant tell if shes just paying it lip service.

Actress Jennifer Garner is multi-tasking: she is back together with estranged husband Ben Affleck claims the Enquirer, still apart but not ready to date according to People magazine, and is lusted over by Tom Cruise, alleges the Globe. At least shes keeping them all guessing, since thats about the level of journalistic integrity.

Sexiest Man of 2015 David Beckman is a romantic husband, a devoted dad - and he vacuums! raves People mag, which proves that the stars are not really like us at all, because I dont remember the last time I vacuumed. Last years sexiest man alive Chris Hemsworth? Reduced to a meagre quarter-page this year, a sad yet not untypical demotion. Theres nothing less attractive than last years Sexiest Man. The burdens of the title must weigh heavily on ones soul, ravaging ones looks.

So, why was Nixon intent on killing JFK? In revenge for stolen 1960 presidential vote, explains the Globe. JFKs shattered brain went missing in 1966, evidently stolen by conspirators because it proved" there was more than one shooter, adds the mag. Does this stuff end up in the Library of Congress? One can only hope.

Onwards and downwards . . .